'Cause when the wind takes you, it takes me, too

Am sitting here in bed, kickass Sony headphones on, just hanging with the cat in the dark. It's 1am and I am being lulled into a sweet state of pure lyrical bliss by the genius that is the Great Lake Swimmers. If you haven't heard of them, do yourself a favour. Their song "Changing Colours" is simply gorgeous and the lyrics are stunning.

You look at me, with uncertainty,
You look at me, with urgency.
You look at me. with fear in your eyes
like you're about to fall away.

But don't be afraid to change your colours now.
I've known you all Summer, you rose above it all.
I see you hesitate to fall now,
But it's a pretty good view from down here, too.

And when the wind takes you, it takes me, too.
When you change colours, I change mine, too.
Try not to think, and I will try too.
When you let go, I will let go, too.

I knew you when you were green and strong.
You were like a feather on a wing, so long.
You know I will miss you when you are gone,
but don't be afraid if you just can't hang on.

'Cause when the wind takes you, it takes me, too.
When you change colours, I change mine, too.
Try not to think and I will try, too.
And when you let go, I will let go, too.

The cold air is pushing hard on you.
I know what you're saying; I can feel it, too.
You'll go through changes, and I'll go through them too.
Don't be afraid now, no don't be afraid.

'Cause when the wind takes you, it takes me, too.
When you change colours, I change mine, too.
Try not to think and I will try, too.
And when you let go, I will let go, too


The lyrics kinda make me think about this journey I'm on and the fact that you, my amazing, incredible friends are on it with me. All the way. I have never felt so completely blessed,as I do now. Strange... I know, but I am so honoured to have you all in my life. I just wanted to tell you that. I don't think we tell each other enough. So there it is. A simple but important message to you.

Love and peace

Ems xxx

Feeling like a human specimen in the petrie dish of life...

*thanks to Megan for the pig-picture above, laughed so hard I nearly spit my tea out*

NOTE TO SELF - don't make jokes about Swine Flu, then get sick in Melbourne "Swine Flu Capital of the World". Chemo = immuno suppressed/compromised = easy bloody target.

Result of irreverent and somewhat unfunny jokes about contracting Swine Flu? Being admitted to hospital with suspected Swine Flu:

1. Spending 4 days in quarantined isolation in hospital
2. Having a whole ward on red alert
3. Only being touched with latex gloves, full body aprons and even then, only when absolutely necessary
4. Blood tests, blood tests, blood tests and then some blood tests (this is only the first hour of Day 1)
5. Not being able to even leave your room for 4 days
6. See #5, therefore having to use a bedpan (oh the shame)
7. Having your veins physically collapse, resulting in blood being taken FROM YOUR BONY FEET by someone from ICU (after trying my wrists, hands, arms) man that hurts!
8. Being told you have the blood pressure of a corpse
9. Having a temperature of 39.7 degrees and feeling like your face is about to peel off

Finally I am home, safe in the knowledge I did not have Swine Flu, but just a serious viral infection (er.... yay!?)

Still feeling dazed and confused, stuck with more needles than a Kings Cross junkie who just won lotto and like I just wondered off the set of "Outbreak".

Sigh... I just don't want to talk about it anymore.

I got sick last week. They think it was swine flu, I told them my nose has always looked like that

So people, its Friday night. I have had a shit of a week (can't wait to regale you with it) but what's your excuse for hanging out in my blog on a Friday night? Get your butt off the chair, turn off your computer and get out there!!! For godsakes people, if not for yourselves... DO IT FOR THOSE WHO CAN'T!! Get drunk, get stupid (and most definitely get laid).

Ahhh... all better.. had to let that out. Now on with the irreverent babble that constitutes this fine blog of mine :)

How the hell are ya???

I had chemo again on Monday (yeah yeah Em, we know it "sucked ass" get on with it) ahem - hate it when the voices interrupt me.... where was I?? - oh yeah, I ended up in hospital the next day on a drip severely dehydrated and worse for wear. It would appear my bucket won this round, but hey there's always next time to look forward to. Yep, sad but true, my oncologist confirmed I have to have another round of chemo on 22nd June. Damn! For some reason both Sammy and I had convinced ourselves that this would be the last one before I start radiotherapy. Oh well, send back the clowns, the bouncy castle, the vodka sprinklers and the monkeys on unicycles (at least for now).... but I'm keeping the cabana boys ;)

I managed to get a bit sick last week in Canberra visiting relatives (they think it was swine flu, I told them my nose has always looked like that) so that is possibly what tipped me over the edge this week. I really felt like dying... but hey, you know me, I always stay positive... and the good thing about feeling like you are dying? you can only go UP from there lol.

Exciting news, my ma and pa are coming over to Melbs next weekend. Really looking forward to seeing them. It feels like I have been in a time warp and my head spins to think I have been here since middle of February already. Wow time flies when you're having fun eh!

So what else... I am starting to worry I have spread myself a little thin. With Facebook, Hotmail, the blog, Twitter (shudder), the books, my work with Oceana and eventual world domination, I fear I may have bitten off more than I can chew. I only agreed to do the Twitter thing so I could stalk... ahem... 'follow' Josh Groban... but I am finding it strangely addictive. But did I really need another opportunity to vent witty Emma anecdotes * into cyber space?? Not sure really. I'll keep you posted.

*(N.B "Witty Emma anecdotes" was a term loosely used for comedic purposes only. No assumptions of hilarity or general frivolity on the part of the author should ever be made and no comedians were hurt in the making of this statement)

Speaking of posted, I have been a little remiss with this blog... my baby, but people, people, people.... you have been bad, bad followers also! Where are all your comments? I wasn't kidding when I said I wanted bloodshed, tears and wars on these pages (see first post). Ok, I'm going to count to 10 and when I start.......

1, 2, 3, 4, 5.......

The Face of Chemo

"Life is what happens while you're busy making other plans" John Lennon

Hey guys,

Sorry for the delay in posting. As you may or may not know, I had my second round of Chemo last Monday 11th and I have to report that this time was worse than last time. We think it may be because my reserves were already depleted from the first round, but Round 2 seriously put me on my ass (literally). I've been totally bed ridden for the best part of a week and got well acquainted with my bucket. Again, the chemo brain is the strangest part. Leon came over last week for, what we now call 'Risotto Tuesday' (man that boy can cook!) and as I told him on the phone last night, I really have no recollection of him coming over. Poor guy... I promise your company does not suck Leon!

It's my evil mind ticking over here, but maybe I could use this to my advantage! I could pretty much do whatever I wanted and a couple of days later... poof.. it's gone from my memory... so I am open to your equally evil suggestions. We could get up to some serious mischief!!

So that being said, the next round on June 1st will probably be worse still. BUT the good news is that I am over the halfway mark now. So everyone give me a big FUCK YEAH!!!

I am such a night owl. It's 1.10am and as usual I am wide, wide awake. If only I could get paid surfing You Tube videos, hanging out in cyber space, listening to music and writing macabre short stories.... I would be one rich lady right now, that's for sure!

Have caught up with still more cool friends and more have already booked their tickets to Melbs. I would love to think they are all coming just for me, but it does help that I am based in the arts capital of Australia (not to mention the food, booze, nightlife etc) .... so methinks that may also have a part to play in it ;)

What else... oh yeah, Simon Clark got engaged. Congratulations honey! Let me know some more about your wedding plans and I will do what I can to get on a plane to be there.

Nick and Vick Wilkinson (two of my favourite people in the world) had a gorgeous baby. Brodie is an incredibly lucky boy, he's got two fricken awesome parents. I am so happy for you both!

Also excited that Mum and Dad will be heading over here around mid June. I can't believe I have been here three months already! Hopefully they will be staying for a couple of months, which is going to be awesome.

Man, I love Melbourne, but I seriously miss Wanaka. I google earth it all the time. Miss the mountains, my friends and sitting by the fire at Woodys. Dad's been telling me about all the snow they are getting. Sounds like I am gonna miss a bumper ski season.... argh! Bollocks. Balls. Hmph.

Anyhoo, onwards and upwards. Gonna head off now and polish my very very bald head. Why, you ask?? Just because I can.

Love you all

Ems xxx

The Perspective Bat

Had an awesome day. I caught up with a friend and we went to the Richmond Hill Cafe in Melbourne, which has an in-house fromargerie (cheese shop). We gorged on lovely teas and a cheese platter with all the trimmings. I was in cheese heaven!

I must admit the only thing that would have perfected the afternoon is a glass of crisp white wine to wash down all that lactose, but since I was diagnosed I haven't wanted to drink any alcohol at all. It's strange - my friends can't believe it, I am rarely without a beer or wine in my hand lol - but I just don't want to put anything bad into my body at a time like this. So I am being extremely well behaved.

Can't wait to start getting my travel plans into action. Travel (and apparently now.. cheese) are my focus. I spend most nights roaming the planet, thanks to Google Earth. Went from Bordeaux to Budapest to Malibu, CA last night.... not bad for a nights work eh.

Back to the fun stuff...

My hair continues to fall out at an alarming rate and to be honest, they never prepare you for how bloody messy it is! It doesn't all fall out in one neat heap on the floor, it falls out on your pillow, in your clothes, in the shower... all over the fricken place. Its messy and its annoying and yes, I am embarrassed to admit, I still cried like a little girl when it first started to come out in clumps.

My apologies go out to any friends who went prematurely bald. I am sorry I never took the time to ask how you felt about it, so please accept my very belated hugs.

It's very upsetting to see yourself looking like you wondered out of a concentration camp. Even though I had mentally prepared myself, to some degree, it was and continues to be a shock as each day goes by. I stare at myself in the mirror, wondering who that person is staring back at me. Is all of this really happening???

I wonder about a lot of things now. I call cancer "being hit with a perspective bat". I think about the journey of learning to like myself again after all of this.....

So, dear reader, how are you doing? Thanks for checking out my blog and for all the emails you continue to send. It really lifts my spirits :)

Hope you have a wonderful Mothers Day. Don't forget to tell your family how much you love them. If that's not an option, for whatever reason, do something wonderful for yourself. I highly recommend a gourmet cheese platter.

I am about to waste a ridiculous amount of time on the couch watching Monty Python movies.... sigh.... bliss!

Love to you all

Ems xx

p.s still hoping by some small miracle that Josh Groban will call me for a date... will have to find out if he likes cheese or not. If not.. I may have to rethink my celebrity crush ;)

Back from the brink....... geez I feel like a drink!

Hi Guys

Well, I am back from the dead.... only just. Wow Chemo is as bad as everyone says/thinks it is. There is no sugarcoating it. It is a bastard!. I had my first treatment last Monday and was bed-ridden and sick for the best part of 5-6 days. Well, at least I know what I am in for the next couple of cycles. But everyday since then, I am getting better and stronger. I was able to walk around by about day 3-4 and stopped feeling like I wanted to throw up and pass out at the same time around day 4-5.

Am slowly feeling more like myself each day, which to be honest feels amazing. Just to feel 'normal' again feels like a blessing and I am starting to get a more normal colour in my face. Was a nice shade of grey for the best part of the week.

The "chemo brain" they mentioned is the strangest part. My mind is a jumbled mess some days. I watched a movie two days after the chemo and then had absolutely NO recollection that I had seen it. I would have sworn black and blue that I had never seen it, until Gareth (my brother in law) mentioned that I thought Ashton Kutchers hair had looked shite in it (sounds like me lol). All of a sudden that triggered a memory and although I still cannot remember a thing about the film, I became aware that I had indeed seen it. I can only compare it to getting really really drunk and having no idea what you did the night before, until someone mentions a keyword and some of it magically comes back... anyhoo you probably know what I am talking about and if not... that's ok, I can put this rambling down to the "chemo" brain.

Been having some seriously scary nightmares and 'night sweats' which can be a part of it too and had my first ever migraine (due to the anti-nausea medication I am on). Wow that sucked ass! I feel so sorry for anyone who has migraines on a regular basis. I felt like someone had stuck a shovel in my head! Thank god I woke up today and it had gone.

So anyway, apart from all of that, I am doing fine. I didn't really want to post all the negative medical stuff, but thought that some of you might find it interesting from a symptamological (is that even a word?? If not... it should be) point of view.

In the interim, I am doing well. I am charging through the Hard stage of Guitar Hero 3 and listening to lots of great music.

My current songlist top 15 is:

Love Always Remains – MGMT
Human – The Killers
The District Sleeps Alone Tonight – The Postal Service
Cherry Blossom Girl – Air
Soothe Your Pain – Dub FX (saw him busking live in St Kilda)
In Our Gun – Gomez
Butterflies and Hurricanes – Muse
Kashmir – Led Zeppelin
Can’t Run But – Paul Simon
You Don’t Know Me – Ben Folds
Shape of My Heart – Sting
Grapefruit Moon – Tom Waits
Seven Nation Army – The White Stripes
I’ve Seen All Good People – Yes

If you haven't heard any of the above songs, let it be your task for the week. Trust me, you will thank me for the experience!! If you email me at emschranz@hotmail.com I can send you the mp3s.

OK, I love you guys!

xx Ems

PLEASE HELP!!

IMPORTANT NOTICE PEOPLE!!!!!

My incredible sister is going to run 10kms (yes you heard me right!) to raise funds for the Peter MacCallum Cancer Hospital, where I am getting treatment. I know times are tough for everyone, but the money raised goes back into this amazing institute and into vital research into this disease that will sadly, directly or indirectly, touch each and every one of us.

The Peter MacCallum Cancer Hospital and its amazing staff has saved my life and made this horrible, horrible time just that little bit easier. Everyone from my Surgeon and Oncologists to the Breast Nurses, administrators and even the Volunteers (cancer survivors, who gave me scarves for my head and hold our hands and rub our backs during chemo) have been incredible. The support, warmth and professionalism of everyone there has simply been mind blowing.

Please help us to give something back and to ensure that if this terrible disease afflicts someone in your life, that they will have the incredible support and treatment that I have.

Peter MacCallum Hospital may be in Melbourne, Australia, but the research they do to find a cure for cancer... reaches everyone on this planet.......

http://runmelbourne.everydayhero.com.au/samantha_glasgowschranz

Finding Chemo

Day 5 of my first cycle..... stop the ride.... I want to get off...

Chemo Day 1

Hi Guys

So I will fill you in on Chemo - Day 1...

After a visit with my lovely Medical Oncologist, Sam and I headed up to Level 5 to the Chemo ward. I was gutted to discover I had just missed Drew Barrymore on the Ellen show. Drew is the one woman I would totally turn gay for....

Anyhoo, the nurses were lovely and did their best to calm my nerves, however, I have to admit to you all that I failed miserably. I sat in my big chair and proceeded to bawl my eyes out. They had to partition me off from the other patients as I didn't want to upset them and I couldn't stop the tears so that was that really.

After the wonderful sedative kicked in, I started to feel much better and only had some mild hallunicanations of men on rooftops (don't ask me why) before I felt like I was ready to deal with this. Sammy had a hold of my hand the whole time, and whilst she was trying her best to reassure me and be strong for me, her eyes told a different story. I can honestly say that I think today was as tough on my beautiful sister and brother in law, as it was on me. Even though the drugs were being pumped into my veins, Sam was experiencing everything I was going through. All I can say is that is one hell of a connection there. We have always joked that we felt more like twins than sisters. She is my rock, my support, my surrogate mum and my best friend. I am so blessed to have her in my life.

Ok, here's the details. Firstly, they pumped a bag of anti-nausea drugs into me. That took about 15 mins. After that was the "Adriamycin" (also known as Doxorubicin). This is the evil shit. The stuff is red and the nurse needs to stand with her hand on me the whole time it is being pumped in as if it hits the skin it burns the tissue like acid (wow and that shit is going into my veins?). This is the stuff that can cause Leukaemia - albeit very rarely. This is also the stuff that makes hair fall out and it is mainly used to treat breast cancers. I hated looking at that red liquid going down the tube and into my arm. I thought about pinching if off just before it had to go in, but I think she would have seen me do it.. and it would have made the chemo a bit redundant eh! Scary to think that to save my life I have to pump poisons into my body, but I guess its the lesser of two evils. Cancer is just full of wonderful ironies!

After the Adriamycin goes in the Cyclophosphamide goes in (hence why my chemo is called "AC"). This bag takes about an hour and is covered in black plastic (may as well had a skull and crossbones on it and a big POISON sign on it... looked ominous enough!). In all, we were there for over three hours.

I have left with a bag full of drugs and have my bucket beside my bed. Apparently everyone's symptoms are different, so I am keeping it close just in case. Hey... even if I don't spew, but my head falls off in the night, at least it will fall into the bucket and that means less mess for everybody.

I have a feeling I may not be able to stand up in the morning, based on the fact that I can barely stand right now. All in all, I am still pretty numb. I have a shaved head and did my first chemo.. I am entitled to feel like I have been hit with a mack truck I guess.

So goodnight my beautiful friends... here's to sweet dreams, 6ft tall dark handsome men and .... heads not falling off in the night.

I love you all

Fuck the lump

Ems XXX