I went for a cheap massage today it was heaven! The only problem was when I was on the table being rubbed into a gooey heap by a young Chinese male masseuse, this music started playing and it gave me the giggles. And you know me… once I get started…
The music was one of those cheesy Asian imitations of Chariots of Fire. As soon as the badly synthesized string section kicked in mixed with a Casiotone styled Bossa Nova drum beat, I couldn’t help myself. I started smiling… then my smile turned into a chuckle… and as the music became more and more dramatic (boom boom chuckka chukka – da da da da daaaaa daaaaaa, boom boom chukka chukka) I ended up just losing it in a fit of giggles.
My poor masseuse didn’t know what was going on. He must have thought he was tickling me and that was why I was laughing, so he started massaging my lower back even harder, which was getting painful, but I was laughing so hard by this stage, I couldn’t tell him.
By now, the song has hit full crescendo (since when did Chariots of Fire have bird noises and a synthesized guitar solo??). It started to sound like the London Symphony Orchestra had all had a hit on a crack pipe and were in the room with us, playing stoned. Meanwhile my little Chinese man is about to bust a hernia using all his strength to pound the crap out of this chick on his table, inexplicably laughing her ass off. Picturing the scenario made me even more hysterical. The poor guy didn’t know what to do so kept going, harder and harder. I was soon a beaten, broken mess on the table, choking red and unable to breath, tears streaming down my face, into the hole in the table and forming a pool underneath me. Finally the song finished and I was able to draw breath.
The masseuse stopped the torture and excused himself sweating and breathing heavily, to get a drink of water. I was thinking to myself how this was the best $20 and 20 minutes of the funniest shit ever as I wiped the tears from my eyes. Finally with my hysterical fit well and truly over, I relaxed back down and my exhausted but undefeated masseuse came back into the room to start on my neck…
Then the next song started… Eye of the Tiger with pan-flutes… oh dear god…
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